It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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