I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
