i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
