u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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