He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
