Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
