Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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