theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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