Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
