Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
