i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
