I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
