I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
operation harelip BJ is a go
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
