it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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