I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
