I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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