Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
