She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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