Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
