He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
