Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Randomize
