Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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