just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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