You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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