So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
it's not cheating when I paid for it
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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