I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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