Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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