i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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