My underwear smells like fireworks.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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