so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
