I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
