He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
