He uses pillows to masturbate.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize