That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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