I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
