our cab driver is having phone sex.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
