I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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