broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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