I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
