Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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