I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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