Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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