watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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