you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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