she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
