How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Randomize
