i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
