is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
