I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
