I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm gonna fight the coyote
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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