matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
