I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
