I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Randomize
