he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
