My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
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