I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Randomize
