saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
