the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Dignity is for republicans.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize